I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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