I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
