We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
