but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
