Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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