Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
