It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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