3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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