she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
