Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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