I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
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