He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
