I got chris browned last night
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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