Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
