something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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