i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
