It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
