you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
