Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
