Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
