My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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