Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
