i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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