Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
