You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You need Xanax blowdarts
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
