Kiss
Puke
My ATM looks so different sober.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
