I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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