please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
