he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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