tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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