On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
