Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
