Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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