May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
