TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
