when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
