I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
