He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
