the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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