Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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