The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
