I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
