i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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