Cold hands, warm shart.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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