It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
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