he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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