Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
