worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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