Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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