She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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