k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
