Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
