p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
