a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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