You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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