T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
