I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
