Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
