did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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