I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
