I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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